Bob Marley and Love

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before and she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

Bob Marley

I love this quote.

Sometimes I think people put too much emphasis on finding "the one" when they fall in love. Me? Not so much. I've been in love a few times, and I enjoy being in love. One day it might lead me to "the one", if something like that exists, but until I get to that point, why not just enjoy the feeling of being in love? I look at relationships this way: You meet someone, you get to know them, you enjoy spending time with them, you start a relationship with them (whether or not you inform the rest of the world about this is completely up to you and the other person, believe me, the relationship can work regardless of whether you change your relationship status on Facebook), you potentially fall in love with that person (if/where this occurs in the process just depends on the person), you become closer with that person, things are amazing, and you move on from there. Sometimes moving on from there means a happily ever after. Sometimes moving on from there means a few more weeks/months of happiness, followed by the fallout, followed by the relationship ending.

Sometimes relationships aren't meant to last forever. We all need to accept that fact. Okay, you're probably thinking I've never had a relationship last for more than a few weeks. Wrong. My first relationship lasted 3 years. That one was followed by a string of shorter relationships (9 months, 2 months, and 8 months and counting) which were, to me anyway, just as meaningful as the first. But I never went in to any of those thinking that "Wow, this could be the one!" I'm too young for that. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. Some people are. In one of my previous relationships, the guy I was dating was very set on the future. He had our entire lives planned out, from the engagement ring to our future home and pet. At first it was fun, talking about a future together, but once he started to see it as more of a reality than a "what if" scenario, I immediately felt the urge to bolt. I wasn't ready to make that step, take it to the next level, define the rest of my life around one person. I was a freshman in college and I wasn't ready for that.

We broke up a few months later, for many reasons including that one. It's not that I couldn't see myself with him for the rest of my life at that moment (although later I realized that it would have never worked in the long run, we just have far too many differences in ideals and life goals and more things than I care to explain), it was just that I couldn't see myself with ANYONE for the rest of my life at that time. I still don't know if I can. I don't take the topic of marriage lightly. My parents are divorced, a lot of my family has been divorced, and I personally don't want to add to that number. If I ever do get married, I want to be ready for it, and I want it to be with the right person. But until I'm ready to settle down (say, maybe after residency, MAYBE ) I don't see any problem with dating, with falling in love. I disagree with people who say that they only want to fall in love once--with the person they will end up marrying. It's a lovely notion, but is it realistic? For me, it's not.

To me, being in a relationship and falling in love with another person is not about making the end result marriage. To me, relationships are about making yourself vulnerable and allowing someone else to be a part of your life and to share in the intimate details of yourself that you're afraid to show to the rest of the world. Being in love is being vulnerable. But even though you're vulnerable, you gain more from the experience of being in love (and even from heartbreak) than you could ever gain from anything else. Love is one of those rare things that can lift you to the highest points of your life, and with a single swift motion bring you down lower than you ever thought you could be. Love is about vulnerability. Love is about the experience. Love is about...love.

As always,

Lex

Even if you know the end is coming soon, even if you knew it would come to this all along, it still doesn't make having to say goodbye any easier.

I'm kind of dreading it to be honest.

I know it's the best for everyone, including myself, but I'm pretty sure it's going to hurt more than I anticipated.

Field of Flowers

So today I was able to cross something off of my Bucket List.

I went on a Jeep ride with two of my best friends, and even though the scenery was just suburbia with some farmland mixed in, we found a field filled with tall yellow flowers. I have no idea what kind they were or what they were precursors to or if they served any other purpose than to just be tall and yellow and gorgeous. So we stopped the Jeep, and plunged into a world of yellow petals, greenery, and bumblebees.

I'll say it. We frolicked through the field of flowers.

And it was absolutely incredible.

One of my friends said to me, "I bet you wish you had your camera". And I really didn't. The moment was too amazing to be put into a frame. A camera could have not captured the vast expanse of the yellow field while still capturing moments like my other friend getting so excited about finding a ladybug. As much as I love photography, sometimes a photo or a look through a viewfinder just doesn't do the moment justice.

Sometimes you just have to experience it for yourself.

And sometimes, you need to cross things off of your Bucket List on a whim, like finding and random field of yellow flowers and running through it with two of your best friends. And those are the moments you'll always remember.

As always,

Lex

...because ranting before a test is better than taking shots before a test

Why do I care so much? Why do I always strive to be the best? Why do I get upset over a bad grade in a subject I HATE? Why do I spend my life studying for this stupid class when I will NEVER USE IT AGAIN. I'm serious. Organic Chemistry is the biggest waste of my time. Oh, but you say I will use it for Medical School? FALSE. I will see about 10% of what I learned in a year of Organic Chemistry in a very simplified form on the MCAT, and then that's it. I will not need to recite the Diels-Alder reaction while talking with a patient, nor will I have to recall the directing effects of substituents while drawing blood, and I will most certainly not need to complete a synthesis problem before I scrub in for a surgery, or in my case, an autopsy. I just don't understand why my school insists on making Organic Chemistry impossible for everyone except for the freakish geniuses who only chose here because Harvard and Yale didn't offer them enough money. Yes, I'm talking about those people who get a 99 on the test (and apologize that their work was subpar on this one, and that they'll just use it for their drop test) when the average is BELOW A 50. I'm sorry, professors, is that what you want? The average to be below a 50. No, they will answer, we wanted it around a 50, because that gives us a nice bell curve. Okay, so sure, your theory is fine. Bell curves look great on statistics. But wouldn't you rather your students succeed? Wouldn't you rather your students have confidence in themselves? Wouldn't you rather see your students go on to be doctors and pharmacists and other medical professionals? No, probably not, because you're a bunch of sadists. I hate you. All of you. And why? Is it because you're causing my GPA to be low and possibly be the reason I get kicked out of the honors program? Oh no, that's just the tip of the iceberg. I hate Organic Chemistry and everything it represents and everyone involved in it because I have lost complete confidence in myself because of this course. It doesn't have to be this hard, and I promise that in most places, it's not. But since you insist on making it incredibly difficult (to the point that your GRADUATE STUDENTS cannot solve some of the test problems) I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I always thought I wanted to be in medicine. Always. And I still want to be there, still want to do what I can to help others, whether it be in an operating room or in the morgue. But now, thanks to you, Organic Chemistry, I can't see myself there anymore. I don't think I'd be good enough to have an MD anymore. The only the place I can see myself now is curled up in the corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth slowly until any memory of you is gone.

So yeah, rant done. Commence rapid-fire studying and praying that I will not be raped again.

Like I said, supposedly this is a better form of release than taking shots prior to the test...we'll see.

As always,

Lex

Tired.

I'm just...I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of being second-best.

I'm tired of never being good enough.

I'm tired of feeling awkward.

I'm tired of not knowing what to do.

I'm tired of feeling bad for decisions I've made.

I'm tired of people questioning my motives.

I'm tired of being forced to strive for perfection.

I'm tired of people lying about me.

I'm tired of people lying to me.

I'm tired of being pushed aside.

I'm tired of being used by people I care about.

I'm tired of caring about people that don't give a shit.

I'm tired of questioning myself.

I'm tired of being in limbo.

Green Tea and Reflections

I am thankful.

I have a fantastic family.

I have amazing friends.

I have amazing Brothers.

I am healthy and (for the most part) happy.

There are a lot of things I could go on about, the things I'm thankful for, the people I'm thankful for, the reasons why life is not as bad as it seems, but it all boils down to this: there are lot of things I have, and a lot of things I don't have to worry about. And for that, I am thankful.

I know the last few posts of mine have been rants more than anything else. About the people that have "wronged" me or have otherwise hurt me. But you know what? Shit happens. Shit happens that makes you stronger, forces you to make decisions that will eventually change you, for better or for worse. And you know what else? It's pretty pointless to have regrets of any kind. You do what you want, when you want, and for reasons that you see as reason enough to go through with your decision. I don't have regrets. I may have done a lot of things that people think I should regret. Off the top of my head I can think of a few, but to all of those: screw it, shit happens. And talking about regrets (or in my case, non-regrets) is a topic for another post entirely.

What I want to talk about is this amazing thing we have called life. And mine is pretty damn amazing if I look at it right.

First of all, my family. I know I don't always show it, don't always appreciate my amazing family, but you are all fantastic. I have parents that love, care about, and respect me. Extended family that I can always call on for help or just a shoulder to cry on. And I need to take advantage of that. So my parents are divorced (oh no! I'm the poster child for failed marriage and am doomed to never, as my ex would say, have a healthy, long-term relationship because I can't handle commitment. Bullshit.). So they are both remarried and I have an even more extended family. I love it. I love the people that are in my life because of my parents and step-parents and crazy extended families from all four sides. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family.

And then come the friends. I think I might seriously have problems without all of you, whether you're here in Athens with me, back in Summerville/Charleston, Auburn, Greenville, Clemson, Columbia, Charlotte, St. Louis, and anywhere else that I may have left out. There's a reason why you're in my life. I want to talk about all of you, list every single thing that you have done for me, tell the world how much you mean to me. But I hope you already know, and if not, I'll remind you tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I'm not always a great friend, but I try to be. Because you are all completely worth every second of it.

My Brothers. I don't know what I would do without each and every one of you. You guys are my rock (or my TRIPOD), the first people I want to tell good news to, and the first people I want to get advice from. The people I know I can call on at any time for help, for a dinner/lunch/midnight snack outing, for a quiet night with best friends, or a crazy night downtown. You don't judge me, and I will NEVER judge any of you. Phi Sigma Pi, Brothers for life. You help keep me sane when I'm about to give up.

Loves, past, present, and future. Do you realize what an amazing thing it is to love someone else? Or, if you don't prefer the term love, to have a relationship beyond friendship with someone else? But I prefer the term love. I have never lied about being in love with someone, regardless of how things turned out. Whether the relationship lasted upwards of 2 and 1/2 years to just a few golden weeks, whether it was out in the open or confined between lovers, whether it was supposed to happen or not, and whether, going into it, either of us thought it was going to more. I love the feeling of being in love. It is that ultimate feeling of being connected with someone who actually gives a damn about your happiness. I've never regretted a relationship with someone, regardless of how things turned out, regardless of how one may have hurt the other (and yes, I have been on the giving and receiving end of being hurt, so I know what I'm talking about). And you know what? I love the love I have right now. :)

So, all in all. I'm happy. Sometimes life kind of sucks, but it all works out. In the end, my parents will always love me, my friends will forgive me for sometimes being stupid and will still be there when I need them, my Brothers will see me through the thick of it, and love will find me in the end (or stay with me and make me completely happy, as it is now). So there's a lot to be thankful for. And there's a lot at stake. So there's a lot of reasons for me to keep going, to keep making other people happy, to continue to be that friend, Brother, lover to someone else who needs it.

Thank you to all the people in my life, and all the amazing feelings you bring into it.

Always,

Lex