Conforming....I have a Tumblr

So, I got a tumblr. Damn my PSP Bros...anyway, I may still post here on occasion, but for the most part it's going to be on Tumblr from here on out.

http://hellomynameisserendipity.tumblr.com/

As always,

Lex

Bob Marley and Love

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before and she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

Bob Marley

I love this quote.

Sometimes I think people put too much emphasis on finding "the one" when they fall in love. Me? Not so much. I've been in love a few times, and I enjoy being in love. One day it might lead me to "the one", if something like that exists, but until I get to that point, why not just enjoy the feeling of being in love? I look at relationships this way: You meet someone, you get to know them, you enjoy spending time with them, you start a relationship with them (whether or not you inform the rest of the world about this is completely up to you and the other person, believe me, the relationship can work regardless of whether you change your relationship status on Facebook), you potentially fall in love with that person (if/where this occurs in the process just depends on the person), you become closer with that person, things are amazing, and you move on from there. Sometimes moving on from there means a happily ever after. Sometimes moving on from there means a few more weeks/months of happiness, followed by the fallout, followed by the relationship ending.

Sometimes relationships aren't meant to last forever. We all need to accept that fact. Okay, you're probably thinking I've never had a relationship last for more than a few weeks. Wrong. My first relationship lasted 3 years. That one was followed by a string of shorter relationships (9 months, 2 months, and 8 months and counting) which were, to me anyway, just as meaningful as the first. But I never went in to any of those thinking that "Wow, this could be the one!" I'm too young for that. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. Some people are. In one of my previous relationships, the guy I was dating was very set on the future. He had our entire lives planned out, from the engagement ring to our future home and pet. At first it was fun, talking about a future together, but once he started to see it as more of a reality than a "what if" scenario, I immediately felt the urge to bolt. I wasn't ready to make that step, take it to the next level, define the rest of my life around one person. I was a freshman in college and I wasn't ready for that.

We broke up a few months later, for many reasons including that one. It's not that I couldn't see myself with him for the rest of my life at that moment (although later I realized that it would have never worked in the long run, we just have far too many differences in ideals and life goals and more things than I care to explain), it was just that I couldn't see myself with ANYONE for the rest of my life at that time. I still don't know if I can. I don't take the topic of marriage lightly. My parents are divorced, a lot of my family has been divorced, and I personally don't want to add to that number. If I ever do get married, I want to be ready for it, and I want it to be with the right person. But until I'm ready to settle down (say, maybe after residency, MAYBE ) I don't see any problem with dating, with falling in love. I disagree with people who say that they only want to fall in love once--with the person they will end up marrying. It's a lovely notion, but is it realistic? For me, it's not.

To me, being in a relationship and falling in love with another person is not about making the end result marriage. To me, relationships are about making yourself vulnerable and allowing someone else to be a part of your life and to share in the intimate details of yourself that you're afraid to show to the rest of the world. Being in love is being vulnerable. But even though you're vulnerable, you gain more from the experience of being in love (and even from heartbreak) than you could ever gain from anything else. Love is one of those rare things that can lift you to the highest points of your life, and with a single swift motion bring you down lower than you ever thought you could be. Love is about vulnerability. Love is about the experience. Love is about...love.

As always,

Lex

Even if you know the end is coming soon, even if you knew it would come to this all along, it still doesn't make having to say goodbye any easier.

I'm kind of dreading it to be honest.

I know it's the best for everyone, including myself, but I'm pretty sure it's going to hurt more than I anticipated.

Field of Flowers

So today I was able to cross something off of my Bucket List.

I went on a Jeep ride with two of my best friends, and even though the scenery was just suburbia with some farmland mixed in, we found a field filled with tall yellow flowers. I have no idea what kind they were or what they were precursors to or if they served any other purpose than to just be tall and yellow and gorgeous. So we stopped the Jeep, and plunged into a world of yellow petals, greenery, and bumblebees.

I'll say it. We frolicked through the field of flowers.

And it was absolutely incredible.

One of my friends said to me, "I bet you wish you had your camera". And I really didn't. The moment was too amazing to be put into a frame. A camera could have not captured the vast expanse of the yellow field while still capturing moments like my other friend getting so excited about finding a ladybug. As much as I love photography, sometimes a photo or a look through a viewfinder just doesn't do the moment justice.

Sometimes you just have to experience it for yourself.

And sometimes, you need to cross things off of your Bucket List on a whim, like finding and random field of yellow flowers and running through it with two of your best friends. And those are the moments you'll always remember.

As always,

Lex

...because ranting before a test is better than taking shots before a test

Why do I care so much? Why do I always strive to be the best? Why do I get upset over a bad grade in a subject I HATE? Why do I spend my life studying for this stupid class when I will NEVER USE IT AGAIN. I'm serious. Organic Chemistry is the biggest waste of my time. Oh, but you say I will use it for Medical School? FALSE. I will see about 10% of what I learned in a year of Organic Chemistry in a very simplified form on the MCAT, and then that's it. I will not need to recite the Diels-Alder reaction while talking with a patient, nor will I have to recall the directing effects of substituents while drawing blood, and I will most certainly not need to complete a synthesis problem before I scrub in for a surgery, or in my case, an autopsy. I just don't understand why my school insists on making Organic Chemistry impossible for everyone except for the freakish geniuses who only chose here because Harvard and Yale didn't offer them enough money. Yes, I'm talking about those people who get a 99 on the test (and apologize that their work was subpar on this one, and that they'll just use it for their drop test) when the average is BELOW A 50. I'm sorry, professors, is that what you want? The average to be below a 50. No, they will answer, we wanted it around a 50, because that gives us a nice bell curve. Okay, so sure, your theory is fine. Bell curves look great on statistics. But wouldn't you rather your students succeed? Wouldn't you rather your students have confidence in themselves? Wouldn't you rather see your students go on to be doctors and pharmacists and other medical professionals? No, probably not, because you're a bunch of sadists. I hate you. All of you. And why? Is it because you're causing my GPA to be low and possibly be the reason I get kicked out of the honors program? Oh no, that's just the tip of the iceberg. I hate Organic Chemistry and everything it represents and everyone involved in it because I have lost complete confidence in myself because of this course. It doesn't have to be this hard, and I promise that in most places, it's not. But since you insist on making it incredibly difficult (to the point that your GRADUATE STUDENTS cannot solve some of the test problems) I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I always thought I wanted to be in medicine. Always. And I still want to be there, still want to do what I can to help others, whether it be in an operating room or in the morgue. But now, thanks to you, Organic Chemistry, I can't see myself there anymore. I don't think I'd be good enough to have an MD anymore. The only the place I can see myself now is curled up in the corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth slowly until any memory of you is gone.

So yeah, rant done. Commence rapid-fire studying and praying that I will not be raped again.

Like I said, supposedly this is a better form of release than taking shots prior to the test...we'll see.

As always,

Lex

Tired.

I'm just...I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of being second-best.

I'm tired of never being good enough.

I'm tired of feeling awkward.

I'm tired of not knowing what to do.

I'm tired of feeling bad for decisions I've made.

I'm tired of people questioning my motives.

I'm tired of being forced to strive for perfection.

I'm tired of people lying about me.

I'm tired of people lying to me.

I'm tired of being pushed aside.

I'm tired of being used by people I care about.

I'm tired of caring about people that don't give a shit.

I'm tired of questioning myself.

I'm tired of being in limbo.

Green Tea and Reflections

I am thankful.

I have a fantastic family.

I have amazing friends.

I have amazing Brothers.

I am healthy and (for the most part) happy.

There are a lot of things I could go on about, the things I'm thankful for, the people I'm thankful for, the reasons why life is not as bad as it seems, but it all boils down to this: there are lot of things I have, and a lot of things I don't have to worry about. And for that, I am thankful.

I know the last few posts of mine have been rants more than anything else. About the people that have "wronged" me or have otherwise hurt me. But you know what? Shit happens. Shit happens that makes you stronger, forces you to make decisions that will eventually change you, for better or for worse. And you know what else? It's pretty pointless to have regrets of any kind. You do what you want, when you want, and for reasons that you see as reason enough to go through with your decision. I don't have regrets. I may have done a lot of things that people think I should regret. Off the top of my head I can think of a few, but to all of those: screw it, shit happens. And talking about regrets (or in my case, non-regrets) is a topic for another post entirely.

What I want to talk about is this amazing thing we have called life. And mine is pretty damn amazing if I look at it right.

First of all, my family. I know I don't always show it, don't always appreciate my amazing family, but you are all fantastic. I have parents that love, care about, and respect me. Extended family that I can always call on for help or just a shoulder to cry on. And I need to take advantage of that. So my parents are divorced (oh no! I'm the poster child for failed marriage and am doomed to never, as my ex would say, have a healthy, long-term relationship because I can't handle commitment. Bullshit.). So they are both remarried and I have an even more extended family. I love it. I love the people that are in my life because of my parents and step-parents and crazy extended families from all four sides. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family.

And then come the friends. I think I might seriously have problems without all of you, whether you're here in Athens with me, back in Summerville/Charleston, Auburn, Greenville, Clemson, Columbia, Charlotte, St. Louis, and anywhere else that I may have left out. There's a reason why you're in my life. I want to talk about all of you, list every single thing that you have done for me, tell the world how much you mean to me. But I hope you already know, and if not, I'll remind you tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I'm not always a great friend, but I try to be. Because you are all completely worth every second of it.

My Brothers. I don't know what I would do without each and every one of you. You guys are my rock (or my TRIPOD), the first people I want to tell good news to, and the first people I want to get advice from. The people I know I can call on at any time for help, for a dinner/lunch/midnight snack outing, for a quiet night with best friends, or a crazy night downtown. You don't judge me, and I will NEVER judge any of you. Phi Sigma Pi, Brothers for life. You help keep me sane when I'm about to give up.

Loves, past, present, and future. Do you realize what an amazing thing it is to love someone else? Or, if you don't prefer the term love, to have a relationship beyond friendship with someone else? But I prefer the term love. I have never lied about being in love with someone, regardless of how things turned out. Whether the relationship lasted upwards of 2 and 1/2 years to just a few golden weeks, whether it was out in the open or confined between lovers, whether it was supposed to happen or not, and whether, going into it, either of us thought it was going to more. I love the feeling of being in love. It is that ultimate feeling of being connected with someone who actually gives a damn about your happiness. I've never regretted a relationship with someone, regardless of how things turned out, regardless of how one may have hurt the other (and yes, I have been on the giving and receiving end of being hurt, so I know what I'm talking about). And you know what? I love the love I have right now. :)

So, all in all. I'm happy. Sometimes life kind of sucks, but it all works out. In the end, my parents will always love me, my friends will forgive me for sometimes being stupid and will still be there when I need them, my Brothers will see me through the thick of it, and love will find me in the end (or stay with me and make me completely happy, as it is now). So there's a lot to be thankful for. And there's a lot at stake. So there's a lot of reasons for me to keep going, to keep making other people happy, to continue to be that friend, Brother, lover to someone else who needs it.

Thank you to all the people in my life, and all the amazing feelings you bring into it.

Always,

Lex

Seething

So, I'm trying my very best not to explode at this point.

I am pissed.

You know, it's one thing to say things that aren't true. Yes, that does aggravate the hell out of me and I hate it more than anything else. But something that makes me even more pissed? Someone questioning and ruining my integrity based off of a lie from a spiteful, deceitful, petty person. Sadly, it was someone that I trusted with a lot of my secrets. And now, because I called them out on their bullshit lying to my face and about me and because I ended a friendship with this person, they felt that it was okay to start spreading lies about me. Lies that have hurt a relationship with someone, despite our status with each other, I still care about. And lies that this person now believes to be complete truth. In addition, the lies were spread because, from what I can gather, this person was pissed that I was getting what she never could. Granted, things ended up not working out the way I thought, but I'm okay with that, because they way things are now is better than I could have ever imagined. But seriously? How does it work in your little head that telling someone outrageous lies about me to someone else who you KNOW would take serious offense to it would make you a better person. Would, redeem you in some way. Would raise you up above me in every way imaginable. Which I guess is exactly why you did it. You feel better about yourself knowing that he thinks of you highly and knowing that he will believe every word you say. You feel better about yourself knowing that it makes me feel guilty and angry all at once. You want me to confront you and I know it. You want me to find a reason to fight you. But I won't. I'll fight with my words, with a rant about how upset I am because of lies you've told to people I care about, and how those lies have hurt me. And you know why I think you do it? Because you're a pathetic person. And I don't believe you will ever be truly happy, because the only joy you get is bringing down others.

But hell, what do I know?

I apparently slept with half of campus and didn't know about it.

As always,

Lex

A Rant

So, I don't usually do this, because I get upset at the very same people who use their blogs to rant about how much their lives suck and how nothing is going right and poor pitiful me, etc. But I've reached the breaking point.

I've got 2 MAJOR tests tomorrow. Biochemistry and Organic Chemistry. Which are both ridiculously hard (for me, you snide son of a bitch that is saying "oh, those are NOTHING compared to ________ whatever class you want to fill in there. They are hard classes for me, and I have to work my ass off to get a grade that doesn't make me cringe. And I'm not talking about cringe like I did in high school at an A-. I mean really cringe, like failing cringe). But Biochem and OChem I can handle. They have specific formulas and mechanisms and things I can study for and apply if need-be.

But my personal life has decided to manifest itself in a particularly ugly form this week. And I can't do anything about it really, except rant and bottle it up, because confronting any of the problems requires time that I currently do not have. It just has to be like this until I can get my feet under me again, which might be sometime next week? Which, yes, I KNOW is not healthy, and yes I KNOW it will do nothing but make the problems worse in the long run. Yes, I've been there and done that. This is just a rerun of what I do every stinking time.

But I need to rant. I need to get it out. And if it pisses off the people who think it's referring to them, whatever. I don't have time right now. And instead of taking it as a personal attack, maybe just see it as the only way I can tell you these things without getting defensive, apologetic, etc. Whatever way you want to take it. And be careful if you think I'm directing this at you. I'm probably not. If you really want to know, ask.

Item 1: Person1

So, I'm getting a little tired of the same old same old. The same runaround. The same dodging of questions that have to do ANYTHING with what you actually want out of this. I'm tired of being pushed behind and hidden, just to be brought back into your realm whenever your lonely or you're feeling particularly caring at the time...aka drunk or lonely. I'm tired of it. I can't deal with this push and pull much longer. Decide what you want. If all I'm ever going to be is another nameless notch, so be it. But just fucking let me know what you want and stop stringing me along with exactly what I want to hear. I was fine with the way things were until you went and made things complicated. And now I believe you, and now I want things to actually work out. There. I said it. I'm tired of being the notch. I want to actually be something of value to you. And I want you to put some effort into it as well if I matter at all to you.

Item 2: Person2

Why the hell did you send that? Really? I thought we were done with this. There's a reason you're out of my life, and getting things like that, no matter how much you apologize, just piss me off more. Although, it actually just makes me laugh more than anything else. Not in a I'm laughing because I'm holier than thou but laughing because this WOULD happen. The one time I'm good about not trying to fix broken connections later on, the other person will. Freaking karma. I probably wont even respond, because if I do it just will give you cause to send another response. And neither of us really needs that. Let's move on please.

Item 3: Person3

Okay, you of all people I should feel like I can confront about something. But I can't right now. And by the time I have a minute to breathe let alone let you know I'm pissed it won't even matter anymore because it's old news. It's like punishing a dog for something he did yesterday. He's confused because he doesn't know why the hell you're yelling at him for something that didn't happen in the last 10 minutes. So here goes. I'm pissed that you say it's not your fault. I'm pissed that you haven't apologized, regardless of your state and whether or not you feel you had control. But whatever, that I can eventually forgive because we all do stupid shit. But what really did it for me was the second it was something important to you, it suddenly mattered. But when it was something really important to me and you agreed to help out, you went off and did your thing and basically left me stranded in a really awkward place. Not even a "hey, sorry I didn't do what you asked, I totally forgot/I'll pay better attention next time" Just a "well, since I have this very important thing, you need to make sure you do this (exactly what I had asked you to do)." It shouldn't be an issue, but it is. A simple apology would have made it all better. But instead you just say it wasn't your fault and it was totally someone else's fault. Way to pass the blame onto someone else. Last time I checked, you had willpower too.

I feel a little better to be honest. As sad as that may be. And sadly, too, is that these are just the tip of the iceberg. If I kept going I'd probably have pages upon pages. And no one want to read that. These are just the ones that are most prominent currently. Why do I hate confrontation? And why does my personal life decide to do this THIS week of all weeks...probably because I'm so used to fixing it as I go that I don't notice that things are really wrong. Such is my life/personality I suppose.

Always,

-Lex

Fairy Tales

So on this Valentine's Day, I'm not going to shower everyone with gifts and affection, nor am I going to bash love and the things having to do with this, dia de San Valentin (forgive the lack of accents). Valentine's Day is a part of our culture, and regardless of whether you celebrate it or not, whether you have someone to celebrate it or not, it's there. But instead of seeming overly happy or bitter (whichever you think I may be this Valentine's Day, that's up to you to decide) about this day, I'm going to talk about something else.

I'm in an upper level Spanish conversation and composition class this semester, and today, in addition to forming dirty and entertaining Spanish sentences using Conversation Hearts--which they do make in Spanish, in case you were not aware--much to the dismay of our poor profesora, we talked about Fairy Tales. Yes, your traditional Fairy Tales: Cinderella (Cenicienta), Little Red Riding Hood (Caperucita roja), The Three Little Pigs (Los tres cerditos), Goldilocks (Ricitos de oro), Snow White (Blanca Nieves), etc. The point of the lesson was to retell the stories using preterit and imperfect tenses (el pasado) and to make sure we still knew the differences (yes, I know those of you who don't take Spanish are falling asleep at this point). The lesson was pretty fun, especially when groups added their own personal points of view to the story. But it got me thinking: In addition to these classics, (thank you, Disney and the Brother Grimm) what fairy tales did I remember. Immediately, two books came to mind.

1. The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales

2. The True Story of the Three Little Pigs

Maybe these two books just show the type of sense of humor my parents had, but I'm so glad that's what they got me to read. I still LOVE these books. I read them over and over again, despite the fact that I'm 20 years old and in college. They are absolutely hilarious. If you don't have them, go get them. I mean it. Quit reading. If you read the next line then it won't tell you anything!

See? Told ya. (For those of you who are now thinking, holy crap, she's finally lost it, it's a part from The Stinky Cheese Man....yeah)

So what are these books about, exactly? Well, I'll put it like this. If you would like to laugh hysterically and you have a sense of humor, read what I'm about to write, and then go buy them, steal them off the Internet, rob a bookstore, check them out from your local library, download them to your Kindle, Nook, Sony, eReader, etc, or however you usually obtain sources of literature. If you do not have a sense of humor, or you've decided "I hate Valentine's Day and I'm going to be a grump for the rest of the day" or you have the personality of a pissed off rock, then you should probably quit reading.

The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales

Okay, so this book is by far one of my favorites. Not only do you get to revisit old friends (maybe slightly modified) such as The Little Red Hen, Jack (from the beanstalk, also the narrator of the book), Chicken Little, The Frog Prince, you also meet new ones, like The Stinky Cheese Man. The stories are all ridiculous (or, as the title implies, fairly stupid) and entertaining, and illustrations are fantastic. If you want to see what it's like, try Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOXKCwUmZyU&feature=related

Come on, you know you want to read it...this book has a Surgeon General's Warning...

The True Story of the Three Little Pigs

Now this one is a traditional story, but from a different point of view. This is from the view of the Wolf, the one who was FRAMED (as per the story). According to the Wolf, Alexander T. Wolf (but you can call him Al) it was just a huge misunderstanding involving a Sneeze and Cup of Sugar. But that's all I can tell you because telling you any more would give it away. See for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcsUfYBHhm4&feature=related

As you can probably tell, these are both written by the same people, and the illustrations and story lines are absolutely fantastic. I am so glad they were a part of my childhood, and my adulthood (adulthood...scary thought) and if I ever have kids, I will most certainly pass these on to them as well.

Run, run, run, as fast you can, you can't catch me I'm the Stinky Cheese Man!

As always,

-Lex

Sometimes I Wonder..

So, I've been pondering something...yes, maybe I should have been pondering Organic Chemistry (Partttttt 2!) in these few moments, but even I need to take a break sometimes.

The thing I'm pondering, is this: what if we could take anything we've heard from someone else about us, anything someone else has written about us (whether or not we know it), and if it wasn't true, correct the statement, immediately. Would it make a difference? Similarly, if we could take any situation in which we never actually clarified what we were thinking/feeling, and we could go back and make it more clear, make our intentions known, would it actually change anything?

So these ponderings I'm having, they mostly have to do with some people that used to be a part of my life...I know for a fact that people lie. These people, in particular, I know have lied about me to other people who I cared/care about. And to me, that's simply not okay. But, and here's a big but, would it have really made a difference whether or not those things had been clarified?

I'd love to write in more specifics, because it would make so much more sense. I'm just afraid of naming names/situations/etc., and in turn hurting someone's feelings. Although, the people I would call out I would not necessarily care if I did hurt their feelings, but I do know that they have friends that I am friends with, and that it would probably create some unnecessary tension or awkwardness of some kind. And I'm not a fan of that.

So back to the hypotheticals...if you knew of a situation in which something was said, and it wasn't true, and you could correct it now, what kind of difference would it make? Would it make everything between you and the other person better? I kind of doubt it. I doubt that there is one situation in which something said completely changes your viewpoint of someone else. Whether it was a lie about your feelings about someone, or a lie about what occurred in a blurry time, that wasn't the first time the other person had considered feeling differently about you.

On a somewhat related note, I hate not knowing where I stand with people. It's completely confusing and not at all helpful to my mental state. However, clues I gain from a few sneaky-ish forms is sometimes entertaining, satisfying, or disheartening, however you want to look at it. Whether it's someone calling your relationship with them "dysfunctional and unhealthy" or someone else calling you a "cheating, two-timing slut", you have to wonder what led them to that conclusion...was it really your actions? Their interpretations of your actions? A spiteful ploy to make themselves feel better? Or a combination thereof, of the previous and other factors?

Take-home message from this jumble:

1) Don't spend too much time wondering what could have been if you could have set the facts straight about something. Chances are, in the long run, it wouldn't have mattered.

2) It's very hard to write about hypothetical/broad spectrum situations that are, in fact, very specific.

3) Get your facts straight before you tell someone something. You're not just juicing up a story or adding your own spin to something...you could possibly be damaging a lot more than you think.

Always,

Lex