The Importance of Bandaids

Two poems, the first after allowing my mind to do the things that eventually wound my heart, and the second after allowing a Bandaid to fix things. Sometimes, curiosity really does kill the cat, or, in this case, wound a heart for a while. But sometimes, you have to get past the things that keep you from diving in head first. They may seem like really important things or even really silly things, but in either case, allowing those things to stand in your way can only cause more problems. You have to get past it, in one way or another. Talking it out, sulking for a while (so long as you eventually get out of the sulking!), or writing. I chose writing this time. The more eloquent I made the first one, and the more I worked on it, the more I realized it was petty. But I still really liked the poem a lot. The second is my realization of how petty I was being, or something along those lines. I haven't written much poetry in a while, not where I paid attention to things like meter and rhyme scheme, but these are actually cleaned up a good bit.

Names Interchangeable, Words the Same

I should have thought it better than to delve

Beyond a front so innocent and clean,

But my mind would not allow me to shelve

Those lingering thoughts until now unseen.

I knew what it was that I would unearth,

Only hurt could be the final treasure,

But still I dug, looking for signs of worth,

I realize this pain may be your final pleasure.

The names were interchangeable,

Their importance not in the least,

But still each cut a gash in legs once so stable

Until the whole banquet crashed at my feet.

Repeated keystrokes, copied ink upon a page,

His strange tongues were his siren’s call.

The words, the phrases, they were all the same,

For reasons known and unknown, I believed them all.

You ask what’s wrong, hoping a smile to raise,

And still, though I try, I cannot help but wonder

How many times you pled to her the very phrase,

Or to her, or to her, or perhaps her.

Why look, if it brings so much pain?

To know ghosts of the past were real,

To see the words were used the same.

But to feel hurt is still something to feel.

************************************

Another Her, (But For Now), Only Me

I know you’ve said the very words

To her, to her, and, yes, to her as well,

But still I must convince myself, implore myself

To believe you mean it just as much as before.

I should not care, should just accept the score.

There were others before me, trophies on the shelf,

But that, for now at least, I can dispel

These troubling thoughts, those dreams deferred.

I swiftly thought, the fool I am,

Those words were for mine ears alone,

That never had you uttered them ‘fore me,

Never would you repeat their sound.

And still their sweetness sends my hopes abound,

That perhaps I misread, perhaps I did not see.

Yet still I readily cast the first stone

And without thought, your motives I condemn.

How dare I charge you with this crime,

How dare I cast you with the rest.

Though the best intentions often begin,

How often they must go awry.

Lips form a smile, eyes no longer cry.

I read your words, allow the sinking in,

And savor this thought, for it is the best:

I am still yours, and you have remained mine.

As always,

Lex

Who Died and Made You King of Anything?

From Sara Bareilles' single "King of Anything"

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

This song has so much truth to it. And lately, I've been obsessed with it. And by lately, I mean since last night when I realized I didn't have her new CD. After listening to this song all day (it's catchy, upbeat, and SO true to life that I can barely stand it) I realize I love it even more than before. And I want to share that with the rest of you:

If this fails fantastically, it's because when it comes to anything more complicated than a simple post, I'm lost. Hah.

But the reason I like this song, and the lines I picked out in particular earlier, is that it shows a much more realistic version of how some women are. We are not all damsels in distress. Not all of us need a prince charming to save us. Sometimes, we need it a little bit more, but for the most part, we don't all need saving. I would like to think that I belong to this group. I'm fiercely independent. I date people because I want to, not because I need a guy in my life. If things don't work out, for the most part I can move on pretty easily. Sometimes things work, and sometimes they probably should have never begun in the first place. Not saying that I'm completely heartless, but more realistic in my view of relationships. Or, I have started to become moreso as I've gotten older. At this point in my life, I'm not looking for forever. That will come eventually. I can't promise forever to anyone right now. There are too many things in my life that prohibit that: my post-grad plans, my career goals, things I want to do before settling down with anyone. In my first relationship, I was told something that I now use as my go-to answer: "I can't promise you I'll be yours forever, but I'll be yours for as long as we both make each other happy". I feel like this is a fair representation. But this has gone far enough into a tangent that should be saved for another post entirely.

Back to Ms. Bareilles and her smashing single. I love this song. It's powerful, it makes me walk with a little swing to my step, and it reminds me that I don't have to conform to what any guy tells me or fall for his charm...unless I want to of course ;)

As always,

Lex

Notes on a page

Yes, it's been a month since I posted. College life has taken over...but I'm hoping to start a regular schedule of posting soon...as soon as I get all of my other schedules figured out (class, fraternity, friends at UGA, friends elsewhere, working out/running, and everything else not classified in those).

For those of you who don't know, I really enjoy writing. Not just in blog format, but also songs/poems and narratives. I've been working on different stages of a book for close to two years now, only really writing when I have large stretches of time to devote to such ponderings and memories. But the poetry, that's what I can write anytime, anywhere. This, for instance. I just now wrote it in a span of about 10 minutes. I hate editing, so I don't do it (besides obvious grammatical and spelling errors). So, here it is, notes on a page of a wandering mind.

Out of Place

How curious are the weeds

That grow and cover over

All that we once thought

Would be all we would ever need

How strange are these walls we've built

Put up to defend, to protect

All that we consider precious

But now only serve to encase our guilt

How false are these promises we make

To ourselves and those we hold close

"No more will I be vulnerable!" we say

But then allow them our hearts to take

Oh how we enjoy the climb and the dive

We crave the joy along with the pain

Seeds in the wind, we sigh and we say

"How wonderful it is to feel alive"

Oh yes, how wonderful it is to feel alive.

As always,

Lex

Work sucks, I know...

So, I had a summer job...

I worked at a local catering company that did food service for a large corporation in the Charleston area. Basically my job was to serve food, help customers, talk to them, run the cash register, restock the food and beverages, was dishes, cut fruit, and basically whatever else was needed.

For the most part, I liked my job. I worked with some pretty fun people (but some not-so-fun people), had a pretty large group of regulars that were fun and great people, and I was kept entertained for most of my stint as a food service worker.

I learned a lot in my 3 months with this company. I learned a lot about food service and why I do not want to ever make this business my career. I had planned on doing a rant about how to be a good customer (since there are a lot of notes/blogs/etc about how to make a sandwich, how to wait a table, how to work at Burger King, and that kind of thing) to show that yes, we are there to serve you, but you don't have to be a snob about it.

However, instead of the rant, I'm going to post what one of my coworkers, Christy, and I made up one extremely boring Sunday at work, alternating writing down the ways you know that work sucks.

You Know Work Sucks When:

• The most exciting part of the day is when you get a text from your mom.
• You make up games like "Fruit Skips", "How High Can You Reach?", and "Soy Sauce Launch"
  
• You're so bored that you clean walls to entertain yourself
• Getting to sit on the "perch" is a reward for standing for a few minutes
• The grits are congealed and they don't pass the plop test.
• You're excited to do dishes so you can stop staring at an empty dining room.
• You organize your boss' desk when he doesn't ask you to (and when it's not really messy to begin with)
• You organize, and then reorganize the stockroom to see how many boxes you can get rid of
• You text the words to the song stuck in your head to your boyfriend (work sucks, I know. She left me roses by the stairs. Surprises let me know she cares. Say it ain't so, I will not go. Turn the lights off. Carry me home. Nananananananananana nananananananananana. Or something like that)
• Hunting flies with a rag is a sport
• Excitement is seeing someone coming in to bring different food (lunch rather than breakfast) to you from the other part of the company. '
• You're OCD about the way the jelly sits in the tub...and the butter...and the sugar packets....
• And, finally: You know work sucks when you do a dance around the kitchen area when it's 1:59 so that when you get back to clock out it's exactly 2:00.

As always,

Lex

A Turn About the Marsh

So, I know I've been slack about posting on here. I said I'd do a Salkehatchie entry post-trip, but I'm still trying to get a picture slideshow together so I can put that on here instead of just trying to describe everything I did. Pictures say a lot more about the experience and work done than me just saying "we put on a roof and painted an old house". Yes, I could tell you the story behind the family we worked for etc, etc, but still. Pictures are needed. Anyway, that is neither here nor there.

After my hellacious 3 days at work this past weekend (22 hours of work in a 30 hour time period, followed by another 8 hour shift on Sunday), I thought that would be what I would write about.

But it's not. Last night, I had something happen that was amazing, beautiful, and rather philosophical.

As a lot of you know, I love to kayak. Ocean, river, whitewater, marsh, you name it, I've done it. Whitewater is probably my favorite, but marsh kayaking is a close second. The two are completely different, but that's part of the reason I love them so much.

Whitewater kayaking is all about the rush, not knowing what the rapid is going to be like or how fast you'll take that turn, or any other number of unpredictable things. One of my favorite memories of my old youth group at Bethany was when Matt was our youth minister and took a group of us up to Columbia to go whitewater rafting and kayaking on the Saluda River. It had rained a lot the week before, so the river was much faster and higher than usual. It was the second time our group had been up to the river, and I had fallen in love with whitewater kayaking because of that first trip. Since the river was a lot more dangerous this time, however (the rapids were about a class above what they usually were), the river guide was going to have all of us just be in the raft. Now, don't get me wrong, whitewater rafting is fun. The first time I went I was about 11 and I was in Costa Rica with my grandparents, and we went whitewater rafting on the Sarapiqui River. It was amazing. But since my first trip to the Saluda, I had really wanted to do more whitewater kayaking. Just as we were all about to get in the raft, Matt shows up dragging two kayaks and two paddles, throws me one of the paddles and tells me to pick my boat. I was ecstatic. Matt taught me a lot about whitewater kayaking and spent a lot of time teaching me some essentials, and some cool tricks as well. The experience was amazing to say the least.

So, you have the rush and amazing feeling of whitewater kayaking, but then there's another place in my heart for marsh kayaking. It's a completely different experience. It's quiet, peaceful, and just seems fitting for some reason. I love seeing all the wildlife that is hidden in the marshes. Birds, fish, gators (yes I've seen them out there before), and sometimes deer if you're lucky. My dad and I started to go marsh kayaking when I was a lot younger. He just all the sudden wanted a kayak and to explore all of the marsh waterways of SC, which there are a lot of. He would take me with him in our 2-person orange sit-on-top and we'd try out a different boat landing almost every weekend. Now that I'm older, I like to go out on the water by myself a lot of the time. My grandparents from New Jersey have a house in the Charleston area that backs up to a large creek. They have kayaks, and I've sort of claimed "Big Red" as my own. It's nothing special, just a red sit-on-top, but I love the way the boat feels in the water and how quickly it turns. It's an indescribable feeling.

Anyway, the point of all this was something that happened last night. I went out for a quick turn around the marsh, just needing a short trip to clear my head. The last few weeks have been rough. Heck, the last few months have been rough. Things haven't been great for me, for my family, for my friends, for a lot of people close to me this summer. Relationships, family problems, health problems, friend problems, and those are just naming a few. I just feel like everything's been crashing around me for a while. And I don't know how to stop it, or how to make it better. I had a mini breakdown last week, which led me to being on the beach in the middle of the night. I was out with friends and had another piece of bad news come in and just needed out. So I just started driving. I ended up at my favorite beach, out by the lighthouse, my sanctuary. And I just sat there for a few hours. Crying. Being pissed off. Staring at the moon. Wishing things were different. Thankfully one of my best friends called me that night and helped me keep my sanity. I'm so grateful for friends like that. The ones that stand by me no matter what. But that's a different rant for a different post.

When I was out on the water last night, it was absolutely beautiful. The sun was just starting to set behind the clouds, the water was showing off a perfect reflection of what was left of the blue sky and puffy white clouds. Dragonflies danced around my boat. Fish were jumping. It was just so perfect. It looked like it should be something on the cover of a brochure for South Carolina. Anyway, I got to the end of the first leg of the creek that is separated from the rest of the creek by a land bridge and just sat. I let my boat drift and just sit there, being still and not moving. I watched as the ripples around the boat changed to almost nonexistent. It made me think of something that someone told me once. He had been sitting in a pool, trying to get it to be completely still, and realized that even if you're not moving, you still affect the things around you. You can never be invisible, and you will always affect the things around you even if you're not taking action. Just your presence changes things. I thought, and still think, it was a very deep way to think about it. It's one of the reasons I admire this person, his ability to look beyond the face value of things. It's one of the reasons I miss being around him.

But life makes things complicated. The things we decide to do, or even the inaction we take, causes things to happen. Just like ripples on the water, we affect the people around us, for better or for worse. You can't run away from your problems as much as you try to. You eventually have to come to terms with things, whether it's a botched relationship or friendship, whether you feel it should have turned out the way it did or not, you have to accept things for how they are now. Wishing for a second chance will only turn out disappointment, and refusing to accept change will only leave you bitter. It's fine to remember the way things used to be, as long as they don't interfere with your current life. These are just a few of things I've realized this past summer. You have to let go, you have to move on, and you have to live life to its fullest. And I'm working on that.

When I got back from kayaking, I felt better. I felt refreshed. I felt new again. And I feel like I can handle this now. Everything that has happened this summer, for good or for bad, is helping to change me into a better person, the person I need to be.

As always,

Lex

Salkehatchie

So, this will be my last post for about a week.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I will be unable to access a computer, or the Internet, and will have very limited phone access.

No, I am not going on a top secret spy mission, or to the moon, or anything like that.

I'm going to Santee, South Carolina. For those of you from SC, you know Santee is off of I-95 about 90 or so miles outside of Charleston. For those of you not familiar, Santee is in the middle of NOWHERE. Corn. More corn. Power plant. a few trees. Some open fields. etc.

So why am I going there, of all places?

Well, every summer I go to Santee to work on houses. I work with a program called Salkehatchie Summer Service (insert page here: http://www.salkehatchie.org/). Salkehatchie is a program where teens, young adults, and adults of varying construction experience get together throughout SC to repair homes of the less fortunate. These are home of people who may be facing financial, health, or other issues and do not have the means to make vital changes to their home. This can include anything from roofing to flooring to fixing foundations to repairing or building porches to plumbing to electrical work. We've seen it all. Houses burned from electrical fires. Homes destroyed by storms. Homes that do not have electricity, running water, or even a bathroom.

I started working with Salkehatchie the summer before my freshman year of high school when I was 14. I learned about it through my church (Salkehatchie is a Methodist service project, but is open to anyone of any denomination or walk of faith but is deeply rooted in the Christian faith) and went with a bunch of friends in my youth group. We went to Piedmont (another part of SC) that year and had a good time, but the following year I couldn't go to the same camp. I asked one of my former youth ministers with whom I was still very close what he recommended that I do. He told me to go to Santee and meet Joe and Kathy Jo and Tommy (the camp directors). He also told that was where he felt the most at home. So that summer, I went by myself to Santee. I didn't know a soul. I was 15 and felt very out of place without my friends. But Matt (my former youth minister) was right. I felt at home at Santee. I felt like I was supposed to be there. And I've made lifelong friends since starting at Santee. Now, going on my 6th year at Salkehatchie and my 5th year at Santee, I'm an assistant site leader. I keep in touch with a good number of the campers and site leaders throughout the year. And I'm ready for another amazing week. Each summer that I go to Salk, I seem to learn a new set of skills. My first year, I knew how to hold a hammer and that was about it. Now, I know how to do a whole lot of construction thanks to my years at Salk and with Habitat for Humanity. I've done roofing, siding, painting, porch building, plumbing, electrical work, built and outhouse, fixed foundations, put in multiple sets of windows and doors, and a whole other list of things that I can't even remember. I run a saw better than most of the guys (not to brag, but I'm serious) and do as much damage to a nail with my little 12 ounce wooden hammer than the big macho guys with their fiberglass killers.

But aside from all that, Salkehatchie is a really great project, and I'm glad to continue to be a part of it.

If anyone has questions for me about the program or you want to get involved, feel free to ask me!

When I get back, I will be posting about my week and some of the things that went on, along with some pictures...possibly. :)

Have a great week everyone!! Catch ya on the flip side :)

Sí, toco la guitarra...pero sólo un poco.

Instead of writing about the interesting occurrences and craziness of the 4th of July and post-4th that have been taking up most of my time lately--because let's be realistic here, it only mattered if you were involved--I'm going to write about something kind of exciting going on. I've started playing the guitar. Now, mind you, I haven't played the guitar since 7th grade when I was taking an exploratory music class at my middle school (I went to a School of the Arts for visual art, but each semester you were in a different "exploratory" that way you could see the differences in each of the core arts). So this is very different for me. I've always had a knack for music though. I played piano for about 4 or 5 years until I really got into soccer, and I've been in different music choirs since I can remember. Guitar has always been a struggle for me though. That month of guitar in middle school was anything but fun for me. I was terrible. I could never get my fingers on the right frets or the right strings and it was just bad. But, I'm trying it again. I'm using my mom's guitar from when she used to play. It's been sitting in the garage for a while collecting dust after it took a brief hiatus elsewhere. It's not anything fancy and probably not worth more than 20 bucks, but I really like it. Once I get a good picture of it I'll put it up on here. I'm not really sure why all of the sudden I'm wanting to take up guitar. I feel like I've wasted a lot of my summer not doing too much. I've been working for the most part, visiting friends from SC and Georgia when I can. I haven't been able to start my Spanish novel like I wanted but hopefully that will change in the next few days. I'm getting ready to go to Salkehatchie for a week (but that's a discussion for another post) which will provide some much-needed distraction from a lot of what's going on in my life. But I need a different escape. Something I can work on a little bit at a time and see some progress. So, I can't very well take my piano to college this fall, but you can bet that my guitar will be one of things traveling with me to Athens in August. I guess I could argue that I love acoustic music and love listening to my friends play guitar (the ones that will play in front of me anyway) and I kind of want to see if I can do it too. We'll see how it goes though. I just hope it's not one of those things that I get into for a while and then lose interest in. Because let's face it, I totally want to be like every other college student that learns guitar in college...

Slip N Slides Are Not Just for Children

So as the title may imply, even adults can enjoy Slip N Slides. However, these are not the nice Slip N Slides we all remember having as a kid. You know, the ones with the smooth tarps and the nice big pool at the end...Yeah, not so much.

Try just a bunch of regular blue tarps held together and tied down with stakes and bags of potting soil, a hose held under a skateboard (that we tried to use as an awesome inventive way of going down the tarps but failed miserably), and baby oil. Lots and lots and lots of baby oil. Try that, and you will have one of the best days ever. Plus your skin will be incredibly smooth afterwards.

I did this with a few friends of mine today, and it was a blast. We've done it a few times, and each time seems to outdo itself. What's even more fun is tackling someone as they're running down the tarps...which then turns into a brutal wrestling match and dog pile...except everyone is too slippery to hold on to. It's just an awesome thing to do. Try it. Seriously. Right now. No, I mean it. Go find some tarps and some baby oil and some water.

Happy (early) 4th of July everyone!!

I Am the Color Blue

I was given a very good piece of advice the other day. I was at work on Sunday, listening to the soccer game on ESPN radio (imagine that) and was otherwise trying to make it through the last few hours of work before I could close for the day. A group of guys came in and were hanging out at the counter, listening to the game with me. They were obvious soccer fanatics and were surprised that I had the game on because I'm female. I've heard it before, so I explained how I've loved the game for years and have played soccer for a long time. So we all got to talking about positions, teams, and the like, and they asked if I played now. I said yes, since I'm on a summer 6v6 Y league (much fun, brutal, and frickin amazing). They told me I should come out and do pick up games with their team at the Arena Soccer place. Anyway, they went to one of the tables and sat for a while, periodically coming up to hear the score of the game and get refills of sweet tea.

One of the guys was listening to the game while I was getting his refill and asked me again to come out for one of their matches on Friday night. Since I work Friday nights, I told him that sadly, I could not. He then says to me, "So does your boyfriend play soccer too?" I laughed and told him I didn't have a boyfriend right now and was just kind of enjoying the summer.

He then gave me a really great piece of advice. He said, "Alex, you don't need to worry about finding a man. He will find you. You see, women are all different kinds of colors. Some are red, some are blue, some are pink, some are green. And each man likes a different color. So you just have to find the man that likes the same color you are. It's as easy as that!"

Even though I took the comment at face value when he said it, thinking about it now, he really gave some great advice. People spend too much time worrying about always being in a relationship, finding "the love of your life", and feel that they have to be miserable if they are not in a relationship. That's not true. You can be single AND happy. The two are not opposites. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being in relationships. It's why I don't like to date around and why when I am in a relationship, I tend to be in it for a while. But something I've learned in the last few months is that you shouldn't obsess over relationships, and that you do not always have to be in one. When it's meant to happen, it will. You can't force a relationship, and if you try it often ends badly for both parties involved.

And the man at work really was right. Women have their own color, and men like specific colors. Color can be personality, style, taste, social level, academic aptitude, athletic ability, or multiple other things. The point is, if you are, say, the color blue and you like a guy who really only likes the color green, neither of you is going to be happy. Green man will either have to settle for blue or pretend he likes blue, or Blue woman will have to try and be as close to green as she can. Either way, it doesn't really work. It's not worth it for either of them to try and change who they truly are. Now, I'm not saying that it's a bad idea to change some of your habits for the sake of your partner. Some changes are good. Complete changes in personality and behavior, however, only make you untrue to yourself and ultimately unhappy.

I am the color blue. And I'm a specific shade of blue. It's the shade of blue my eyes turn when I wear certain colors, or when I'm on the beach, or when I'm particularly tan. It's the shade of blue that matches a beautiful deep blue sky. And if I meet a guy some day who happens to fancy that shade of blue, well, I guess I'll be set.

Hello, My Name Is: All of the Above

Labels. We apply them to ourselves. We apply them to other people. We change them. We create them. We try to get rid of them.

Each of us has at least one nickname, some label that we apply when we talk about ourselves, or something that only one person has ever or will ever call us. I have quite a collection of them myself:

Nicknames or any sort of name I've been called and responded to:

Alex. Lex. Lexy. Lexington. Lextacy. Biller. Bill. A Bill. Fred. Whore. Smartass. Puta. Keeper. Keeps. Chica. Chiquita. Kid. Kiddo. Pumpkin. Penguin. Honey. Baby. Sweetheart. Darling. Dear. Hey you. Blondie. Girl.

Labels:

Student. Athlete. Photographer. Employee. Nerd. Southern Belle. Dreamer. Wisher. Fighter. Lover. Believer.

There are so many more nicknames and labels I could put on here, but that's not the point. The point is, I have a problem with labels. I don't have a problem with nicknames, in fact I rather like them, but labels bother me to an extent. I will label myself as many things, but I hate being labeled as something by people who do not know me. Growing up, teachers marked me as a "potential problem child" because my parents were divorced. In high school, I was pegged as "one of those smart kids" who apparently had no talent other than book smarts. And now in college, I'm one of those "out-of-staters". I'm not from around these parts. Well, not in Athens anyway. Labels create problems, preconceptions, and sometimes take a lifetime to reverse. People are often reluctant to change their viewpoint of a person if they already have that person pegged as something else. But, as I've realized through the years, labels are inevitable. They come with the territory. You start somewhere new and people don't know what to make of you, so they classify you based on what you know. I'm guilty of it as well. However, I do feel I have the ability to change that classification once I get to know that person better.

So my challenge to you, dear reader. Look beyond the label. Look beyond the "Hello, My Name Is:" tag, and instead see that person for who they truly are.