...because ranting before a test is better than taking shots before a test

Why do I care so much? Why do I always strive to be the best? Why do I get upset over a bad grade in a subject I HATE? Why do I spend my life studying for this stupid class when I will NEVER USE IT AGAIN. I'm serious. Organic Chemistry is the biggest waste of my time. Oh, but you say I will use it for Medical School? FALSE. I will see about 10% of what I learned in a year of Organic Chemistry in a very simplified form on the MCAT, and then that's it. I will not need to recite the Diels-Alder reaction while talking with a patient, nor will I have to recall the directing effects of substituents while drawing blood, and I will most certainly not need to complete a synthesis problem before I scrub in for a surgery, or in my case, an autopsy. I just don't understand why my school insists on making Organic Chemistry impossible for everyone except for the freakish geniuses who only chose here because Harvard and Yale didn't offer them enough money. Yes, I'm talking about those people who get a 99 on the test (and apologize that their work was subpar on this one, and that they'll just use it for their drop test) when the average is BELOW A 50. I'm sorry, professors, is that what you want? The average to be below a 50. No, they will answer, we wanted it around a 50, because that gives us a nice bell curve. Okay, so sure, your theory is fine. Bell curves look great on statistics. But wouldn't you rather your students succeed? Wouldn't you rather your students have confidence in themselves? Wouldn't you rather see your students go on to be doctors and pharmacists and other medical professionals? No, probably not, because you're a bunch of sadists. I hate you. All of you. And why? Is it because you're causing my GPA to be low and possibly be the reason I get kicked out of the honors program? Oh no, that's just the tip of the iceberg. I hate Organic Chemistry and everything it represents and everyone involved in it because I have lost complete confidence in myself because of this course. It doesn't have to be this hard, and I promise that in most places, it's not. But since you insist on making it incredibly difficult (to the point that your GRADUATE STUDENTS cannot solve some of the test problems) I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I always thought I wanted to be in medicine. Always. And I still want to be there, still want to do what I can to help others, whether it be in an operating room or in the morgue. But now, thanks to you, Organic Chemistry, I can't see myself there anymore. I don't think I'd be good enough to have an MD anymore. The only the place I can see myself now is curled up in the corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth slowly until any memory of you is gone.

So yeah, rant done. Commence rapid-fire studying and praying that I will not be raped again.

Like I said, supposedly this is a better form of release than taking shots prior to the test...we'll see.

As always,

Lex

Tired.

I'm just...I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of being second-best.

I'm tired of never being good enough.

I'm tired of feeling awkward.

I'm tired of not knowing what to do.

I'm tired of feeling bad for decisions I've made.

I'm tired of people questioning my motives.

I'm tired of being forced to strive for perfection.

I'm tired of people lying about me.

I'm tired of people lying to me.

I'm tired of being pushed aside.

I'm tired of being used by people I care about.

I'm tired of caring about people that don't give a shit.

I'm tired of questioning myself.

I'm tired of being in limbo.

Green Tea and Reflections

I am thankful.

I have a fantastic family.

I have amazing friends.

I have amazing Brothers.

I am healthy and (for the most part) happy.

There are a lot of things I could go on about, the things I'm thankful for, the people I'm thankful for, the reasons why life is not as bad as it seems, but it all boils down to this: there are lot of things I have, and a lot of things I don't have to worry about. And for that, I am thankful.

I know the last few posts of mine have been rants more than anything else. About the people that have "wronged" me or have otherwise hurt me. But you know what? Shit happens. Shit happens that makes you stronger, forces you to make decisions that will eventually change you, for better or for worse. And you know what else? It's pretty pointless to have regrets of any kind. You do what you want, when you want, and for reasons that you see as reason enough to go through with your decision. I don't have regrets. I may have done a lot of things that people think I should regret. Off the top of my head I can think of a few, but to all of those: screw it, shit happens. And talking about regrets (or in my case, non-regrets) is a topic for another post entirely.

What I want to talk about is this amazing thing we have called life. And mine is pretty damn amazing if I look at it right.

First of all, my family. I know I don't always show it, don't always appreciate my amazing family, but you are all fantastic. I have parents that love, care about, and respect me. Extended family that I can always call on for help or just a shoulder to cry on. And I need to take advantage of that. So my parents are divorced (oh no! I'm the poster child for failed marriage and am doomed to never, as my ex would say, have a healthy, long-term relationship because I can't handle commitment. Bullshit.). So they are both remarried and I have an even more extended family. I love it. I love the people that are in my life because of my parents and step-parents and crazy extended families from all four sides. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family.

And then come the friends. I think I might seriously have problems without all of you, whether you're here in Athens with me, back in Summerville/Charleston, Auburn, Greenville, Clemson, Columbia, Charlotte, St. Louis, and anywhere else that I may have left out. There's a reason why you're in my life. I want to talk about all of you, list every single thing that you have done for me, tell the world how much you mean to me. But I hope you already know, and if not, I'll remind you tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I'm not always a great friend, but I try to be. Because you are all completely worth every second of it.

My Brothers. I don't know what I would do without each and every one of you. You guys are my rock (or my TRIPOD), the first people I want to tell good news to, and the first people I want to get advice from. The people I know I can call on at any time for help, for a dinner/lunch/midnight snack outing, for a quiet night with best friends, or a crazy night downtown. You don't judge me, and I will NEVER judge any of you. Phi Sigma Pi, Brothers for life. You help keep me sane when I'm about to give up.

Loves, past, present, and future. Do you realize what an amazing thing it is to love someone else? Or, if you don't prefer the term love, to have a relationship beyond friendship with someone else? But I prefer the term love. I have never lied about being in love with someone, regardless of how things turned out. Whether the relationship lasted upwards of 2 and 1/2 years to just a few golden weeks, whether it was out in the open or confined between lovers, whether it was supposed to happen or not, and whether, going into it, either of us thought it was going to more. I love the feeling of being in love. It is that ultimate feeling of being connected with someone who actually gives a damn about your happiness. I've never regretted a relationship with someone, regardless of how things turned out, regardless of how one may have hurt the other (and yes, I have been on the giving and receiving end of being hurt, so I know what I'm talking about). And you know what? I love the love I have right now. :)

So, all in all. I'm happy. Sometimes life kind of sucks, but it all works out. In the end, my parents will always love me, my friends will forgive me for sometimes being stupid and will still be there when I need them, my Brothers will see me through the thick of it, and love will find me in the end (or stay with me and make me completely happy, as it is now). So there's a lot to be thankful for. And there's a lot at stake. So there's a lot of reasons for me to keep going, to keep making other people happy, to continue to be that friend, Brother, lover to someone else who needs it.

Thank you to all the people in my life, and all the amazing feelings you bring into it.

Always,

Lex