The Importance of Bandaids

Two poems, the first after allowing my mind to do the things that eventually wound my heart, and the second after allowing a Bandaid to fix things. Sometimes, curiosity really does kill the cat, or, in this case, wound a heart for a while. But sometimes, you have to get past the things that keep you from diving in head first. They may seem like really important things or even really silly things, but in either case, allowing those things to stand in your way can only cause more problems. You have to get past it, in one way or another. Talking it out, sulking for a while (so long as you eventually get out of the sulking!), or writing. I chose writing this time. The more eloquent I made the first one, and the more I worked on it, the more I realized it was petty. But I still really liked the poem a lot. The second is my realization of how petty I was being, or something along those lines. I haven't written much poetry in a while, not where I paid attention to things like meter and rhyme scheme, but these are actually cleaned up a good bit.

Names Interchangeable, Words the Same

I should have thought it better than to delve

Beyond a front so innocent and clean,

But my mind would not allow me to shelve

Those lingering thoughts until now unseen.

I knew what it was that I would unearth,

Only hurt could be the final treasure,

But still I dug, looking for signs of worth,

I realize this pain may be your final pleasure.

The names were interchangeable,

Their importance not in the least,

But still each cut a gash in legs once so stable

Until the whole banquet crashed at my feet.

Repeated keystrokes, copied ink upon a page,

His strange tongues were his siren’s call.

The words, the phrases, they were all the same,

For reasons known and unknown, I believed them all.

You ask what’s wrong, hoping a smile to raise,

And still, though I try, I cannot help but wonder

How many times you pled to her the very phrase,

Or to her, or to her, or perhaps her.

Why look, if it brings so much pain?

To know ghosts of the past were real,

To see the words were used the same.

But to feel hurt is still something to feel.

************************************

Another Her, (But For Now), Only Me

I know you’ve said the very words

To her, to her, and, yes, to her as well,

But still I must convince myself, implore myself

To believe you mean it just as much as before.

I should not care, should just accept the score.

There were others before me, trophies on the shelf,

But that, for now at least, I can dispel

These troubling thoughts, those dreams deferred.

I swiftly thought, the fool I am,

Those words were for mine ears alone,

That never had you uttered them ‘fore me,

Never would you repeat their sound.

And still their sweetness sends my hopes abound,

That perhaps I misread, perhaps I did not see.

Yet still I readily cast the first stone

And without thought, your motives I condemn.

How dare I charge you with this crime,

How dare I cast you with the rest.

Though the best intentions often begin,

How often they must go awry.

Lips form a smile, eyes no longer cry.

I read your words, allow the sinking in,

And savor this thought, for it is the best:

I am still yours, and you have remained mine.

As always,

Lex

Who Died and Made You King of Anything?

From Sara Bareilles' single "King of Anything"

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

This song has so much truth to it. And lately, I've been obsessed with it. And by lately, I mean since last night when I realized I didn't have her new CD. After listening to this song all day (it's catchy, upbeat, and SO true to life that I can barely stand it) I realize I love it even more than before. And I want to share that with the rest of you:

If this fails fantastically, it's because when it comes to anything more complicated than a simple post, I'm lost. Hah.

But the reason I like this song, and the lines I picked out in particular earlier, is that it shows a much more realistic version of how some women are. We are not all damsels in distress. Not all of us need a prince charming to save us. Sometimes, we need it a little bit more, but for the most part, we don't all need saving. I would like to think that I belong to this group. I'm fiercely independent. I date people because I want to, not because I need a guy in my life. If things don't work out, for the most part I can move on pretty easily. Sometimes things work, and sometimes they probably should have never begun in the first place. Not saying that I'm completely heartless, but more realistic in my view of relationships. Or, I have started to become moreso as I've gotten older. At this point in my life, I'm not looking for forever. That will come eventually. I can't promise forever to anyone right now. There are too many things in my life that prohibit that: my post-grad plans, my career goals, things I want to do before settling down with anyone. In my first relationship, I was told something that I now use as my go-to answer: "I can't promise you I'll be yours forever, but I'll be yours for as long as we both make each other happy". I feel like this is a fair representation. But this has gone far enough into a tangent that should be saved for another post entirely.

Back to Ms. Bareilles and her smashing single. I love this song. It's powerful, it makes me walk with a little swing to my step, and it reminds me that I don't have to conform to what any guy tells me or fall for his charm...unless I want to of course ;)

As always,

Lex

Notes on a page

Yes, it's been a month since I posted. College life has taken over...but I'm hoping to start a regular schedule of posting soon...as soon as I get all of my other schedules figured out (class, fraternity, friends at UGA, friends elsewhere, working out/running, and everything else not classified in those).

For those of you who don't know, I really enjoy writing. Not just in blog format, but also songs/poems and narratives. I've been working on different stages of a book for close to two years now, only really writing when I have large stretches of time to devote to such ponderings and memories. But the poetry, that's what I can write anytime, anywhere. This, for instance. I just now wrote it in a span of about 10 minutes. I hate editing, so I don't do it (besides obvious grammatical and spelling errors). So, here it is, notes on a page of a wandering mind.

Out of Place

How curious are the weeds

That grow and cover over

All that we once thought

Would be all we would ever need

How strange are these walls we've built

Put up to defend, to protect

All that we consider precious

But now only serve to encase our guilt

How false are these promises we make

To ourselves and those we hold close

"No more will I be vulnerable!" we say

But then allow them our hearts to take

Oh how we enjoy the climb and the dive

We crave the joy along with the pain

Seeds in the wind, we sigh and we say

"How wonderful it is to feel alive"

Oh yes, how wonderful it is to feel alive.

As always,

Lex