A Rant

So, I don't usually do this, because I get upset at the very same people who use their blogs to rant about how much their lives suck and how nothing is going right and poor pitiful me, etc. But I've reached the breaking point.

I've got 2 MAJOR tests tomorrow. Biochemistry and Organic Chemistry. Which are both ridiculously hard (for me, you snide son of a bitch that is saying "oh, those are NOTHING compared to ________ whatever class you want to fill in there. They are hard classes for me, and I have to work my ass off to get a grade that doesn't make me cringe. And I'm not talking about cringe like I did in high school at an A-. I mean really cringe, like failing cringe). But Biochem and OChem I can handle. They have specific formulas and mechanisms and things I can study for and apply if need-be.

But my personal life has decided to manifest itself in a particularly ugly form this week. And I can't do anything about it really, except rant and bottle it up, because confronting any of the problems requires time that I currently do not have. It just has to be like this until I can get my feet under me again, which might be sometime next week? Which, yes, I KNOW is not healthy, and yes I KNOW it will do nothing but make the problems worse in the long run. Yes, I've been there and done that. This is just a rerun of what I do every stinking time.

But I need to rant. I need to get it out. And if it pisses off the people who think it's referring to them, whatever. I don't have time right now. And instead of taking it as a personal attack, maybe just see it as the only way I can tell you these things without getting defensive, apologetic, etc. Whatever way you want to take it. And be careful if you think I'm directing this at you. I'm probably not. If you really want to know, ask.

Item 1: Person1

So, I'm getting a little tired of the same old same old. The same runaround. The same dodging of questions that have to do ANYTHING with what you actually want out of this. I'm tired of being pushed behind and hidden, just to be brought back into your realm whenever your lonely or you're feeling particularly caring at the time...aka drunk or lonely. I'm tired of it. I can't deal with this push and pull much longer. Decide what you want. If all I'm ever going to be is another nameless notch, so be it. But just fucking let me know what you want and stop stringing me along with exactly what I want to hear. I was fine with the way things were until you went and made things complicated. And now I believe you, and now I want things to actually work out. There. I said it. I'm tired of being the notch. I want to actually be something of value to you. And I want you to put some effort into it as well if I matter at all to you.

Item 2: Person2

Why the hell did you send that? Really? I thought we were done with this. There's a reason you're out of my life, and getting things like that, no matter how much you apologize, just piss me off more. Although, it actually just makes me laugh more than anything else. Not in a I'm laughing because I'm holier than thou but laughing because this WOULD happen. The one time I'm good about not trying to fix broken connections later on, the other person will. Freaking karma. I probably wont even respond, because if I do it just will give you cause to send another response. And neither of us really needs that. Let's move on please.

Item 3: Person3

Okay, you of all people I should feel like I can confront about something. But I can't right now. And by the time I have a minute to breathe let alone let you know I'm pissed it won't even matter anymore because it's old news. It's like punishing a dog for something he did yesterday. He's confused because he doesn't know why the hell you're yelling at him for something that didn't happen in the last 10 minutes. So here goes. I'm pissed that you say it's not your fault. I'm pissed that you haven't apologized, regardless of your state and whether or not you feel you had control. But whatever, that I can eventually forgive because we all do stupid shit. But what really did it for me was the second it was something important to you, it suddenly mattered. But when it was something really important to me and you agreed to help out, you went off and did your thing and basically left me stranded in a really awkward place. Not even a "hey, sorry I didn't do what you asked, I totally forgot/I'll pay better attention next time" Just a "well, since I have this very important thing, you need to make sure you do this (exactly what I had asked you to do)." It shouldn't be an issue, but it is. A simple apology would have made it all better. But instead you just say it wasn't your fault and it was totally someone else's fault. Way to pass the blame onto someone else. Last time I checked, you had willpower too.

I feel a little better to be honest. As sad as that may be. And sadly, too, is that these are just the tip of the iceberg. If I kept going I'd probably have pages upon pages. And no one want to read that. These are just the ones that are most prominent currently. Why do I hate confrontation? And why does my personal life decide to do this THIS week of all weeks...probably because I'm so used to fixing it as I go that I don't notice that things are really wrong. Such is my life/personality I suppose.

Always,

-Lex

Fairy Tales

So on this Valentine's Day, I'm not going to shower everyone with gifts and affection, nor am I going to bash love and the things having to do with this, dia de San Valentin (forgive the lack of accents). Valentine's Day is a part of our culture, and regardless of whether you celebrate it or not, whether you have someone to celebrate it or not, it's there. But instead of seeming overly happy or bitter (whichever you think I may be this Valentine's Day, that's up to you to decide) about this day, I'm going to talk about something else.

I'm in an upper level Spanish conversation and composition class this semester, and today, in addition to forming dirty and entertaining Spanish sentences using Conversation Hearts--which they do make in Spanish, in case you were not aware--much to the dismay of our poor profesora, we talked about Fairy Tales. Yes, your traditional Fairy Tales: Cinderella (Cenicienta), Little Red Riding Hood (Caperucita roja), The Three Little Pigs (Los tres cerditos), Goldilocks (Ricitos de oro), Snow White (Blanca Nieves), etc. The point of the lesson was to retell the stories using preterit and imperfect tenses (el pasado) and to make sure we still knew the differences (yes, I know those of you who don't take Spanish are falling asleep at this point). The lesson was pretty fun, especially when groups added their own personal points of view to the story. But it got me thinking: In addition to these classics, (thank you, Disney and the Brother Grimm) what fairy tales did I remember. Immediately, two books came to mind.

1. The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales

2. The True Story of the Three Little Pigs

Maybe these two books just show the type of sense of humor my parents had, but I'm so glad that's what they got me to read. I still LOVE these books. I read them over and over again, despite the fact that I'm 20 years old and in college. They are absolutely hilarious. If you don't have them, go get them. I mean it. Quit reading. If you read the next line then it won't tell you anything!

See? Told ya. (For those of you who are now thinking, holy crap, she's finally lost it, it's a part from The Stinky Cheese Man....yeah)

So what are these books about, exactly? Well, I'll put it like this. If you would like to laugh hysterically and you have a sense of humor, read what I'm about to write, and then go buy them, steal them off the Internet, rob a bookstore, check them out from your local library, download them to your Kindle, Nook, Sony, eReader, etc, or however you usually obtain sources of literature. If you do not have a sense of humor, or you've decided "I hate Valentine's Day and I'm going to be a grump for the rest of the day" or you have the personality of a pissed off rock, then you should probably quit reading.

The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales

Okay, so this book is by far one of my favorites. Not only do you get to revisit old friends (maybe slightly modified) such as The Little Red Hen, Jack (from the beanstalk, also the narrator of the book), Chicken Little, The Frog Prince, you also meet new ones, like The Stinky Cheese Man. The stories are all ridiculous (or, as the title implies, fairly stupid) and entertaining, and illustrations are fantastic. If you want to see what it's like, try Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOXKCwUmZyU&feature=related

Come on, you know you want to read it...this book has a Surgeon General's Warning...

The True Story of the Three Little Pigs

Now this one is a traditional story, but from a different point of view. This is from the view of the Wolf, the one who was FRAMED (as per the story). According to the Wolf, Alexander T. Wolf (but you can call him Al) it was just a huge misunderstanding involving a Sneeze and Cup of Sugar. But that's all I can tell you because telling you any more would give it away. See for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcsUfYBHhm4&feature=related

As you can probably tell, these are both written by the same people, and the illustrations and story lines are absolutely fantastic. I am so glad they were a part of my childhood, and my adulthood (adulthood...scary thought) and if I ever have kids, I will most certainly pass these on to them as well.

Run, run, run, as fast you can, you can't catch me I'm the Stinky Cheese Man!

As always,

-Lex

Sometimes I Wonder..

So, I've been pondering something...yes, maybe I should have been pondering Organic Chemistry (Partttttt 2!) in these few moments, but even I need to take a break sometimes.

The thing I'm pondering, is this: what if we could take anything we've heard from someone else about us, anything someone else has written about us (whether or not we know it), and if it wasn't true, correct the statement, immediately. Would it make a difference? Similarly, if we could take any situation in which we never actually clarified what we were thinking/feeling, and we could go back and make it more clear, make our intentions known, would it actually change anything?

So these ponderings I'm having, they mostly have to do with some people that used to be a part of my life...I know for a fact that people lie. These people, in particular, I know have lied about me to other people who I cared/care about. And to me, that's simply not okay. But, and here's a big but, would it have really made a difference whether or not those things had been clarified?

I'd love to write in more specifics, because it would make so much more sense. I'm just afraid of naming names/situations/etc., and in turn hurting someone's feelings. Although, the people I would call out I would not necessarily care if I did hurt their feelings, but I do know that they have friends that I am friends with, and that it would probably create some unnecessary tension or awkwardness of some kind. And I'm not a fan of that.

So back to the hypotheticals...if you knew of a situation in which something was said, and it wasn't true, and you could correct it now, what kind of difference would it make? Would it make everything between you and the other person better? I kind of doubt it. I doubt that there is one situation in which something said completely changes your viewpoint of someone else. Whether it was a lie about your feelings about someone, or a lie about what occurred in a blurry time, that wasn't the first time the other person had considered feeling differently about you.

On a somewhat related note, I hate not knowing where I stand with people. It's completely confusing and not at all helpful to my mental state. However, clues I gain from a few sneaky-ish forms is sometimes entertaining, satisfying, or disheartening, however you want to look at it. Whether it's someone calling your relationship with them "dysfunctional and unhealthy" or someone else calling you a "cheating, two-timing slut", you have to wonder what led them to that conclusion...was it really your actions? Their interpretations of your actions? A spiteful ploy to make themselves feel better? Or a combination thereof, of the previous and other factors?

Take-home message from this jumble:

1) Don't spend too much time wondering what could have been if you could have set the facts straight about something. Chances are, in the long run, it wouldn't have mattered.

2) It's very hard to write about hypothetical/broad spectrum situations that are, in fact, very specific.

3) Get your facts straight before you tell someone something. You're not just juicing up a story or adding your own spin to something...you could possibly be damaging a lot more than you think.

Always,

Lex