Green Tea and Reflections

I am thankful.

I have a fantastic family.

I have amazing friends.

I have amazing Brothers.

I am healthy and (for the most part) happy.

There are a lot of things I could go on about, the things I'm thankful for, the people I'm thankful for, the reasons why life is not as bad as it seems, but it all boils down to this: there are lot of things I have, and a lot of things I don't have to worry about. And for that, I am thankful.

I know the last few posts of mine have been rants more than anything else. About the people that have "wronged" me or have otherwise hurt me. But you know what? Shit happens. Shit happens that makes you stronger, forces you to make decisions that will eventually change you, for better or for worse. And you know what else? It's pretty pointless to have regrets of any kind. You do what you want, when you want, and for reasons that you see as reason enough to go through with your decision. I don't have regrets. I may have done a lot of things that people think I should regret. Off the top of my head I can think of a few, but to all of those: screw it, shit happens. And talking about regrets (or in my case, non-regrets) is a topic for another post entirely.

What I want to talk about is this amazing thing we have called life. And mine is pretty damn amazing if I look at it right.

First of all, my family. I know I don't always show it, don't always appreciate my amazing family, but you are all fantastic. I have parents that love, care about, and respect me. Extended family that I can always call on for help or just a shoulder to cry on. And I need to take advantage of that. So my parents are divorced (oh no! I'm the poster child for failed marriage and am doomed to never, as my ex would say, have a healthy, long-term relationship because I can't handle commitment. Bullshit.). So they are both remarried and I have an even more extended family. I love it. I love the people that are in my life because of my parents and step-parents and crazy extended families from all four sides. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family.

And then come the friends. I think I might seriously have problems without all of you, whether you're here in Athens with me, back in Summerville/Charleston, Auburn, Greenville, Clemson, Columbia, Charlotte, St. Louis, and anywhere else that I may have left out. There's a reason why you're in my life. I want to talk about all of you, list every single thing that you have done for me, tell the world how much you mean to me. But I hope you already know, and if not, I'll remind you tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I'm not always a great friend, but I try to be. Because you are all completely worth every second of it.

My Brothers. I don't know what I would do without each and every one of you. You guys are my rock (or my TRIPOD), the first people I want to tell good news to, and the first people I want to get advice from. The people I know I can call on at any time for help, for a dinner/lunch/midnight snack outing, for a quiet night with best friends, or a crazy night downtown. You don't judge me, and I will NEVER judge any of you. Phi Sigma Pi, Brothers for life. You help keep me sane when I'm about to give up.

Loves, past, present, and future. Do you realize what an amazing thing it is to love someone else? Or, if you don't prefer the term love, to have a relationship beyond friendship with someone else? But I prefer the term love. I have never lied about being in love with someone, regardless of how things turned out. Whether the relationship lasted upwards of 2 and 1/2 years to just a few golden weeks, whether it was out in the open or confined between lovers, whether it was supposed to happen or not, and whether, going into it, either of us thought it was going to more. I love the feeling of being in love. It is that ultimate feeling of being connected with someone who actually gives a damn about your happiness. I've never regretted a relationship with someone, regardless of how things turned out, regardless of how one may have hurt the other (and yes, I have been on the giving and receiving end of being hurt, so I know what I'm talking about). And you know what? I love the love I have right now. :)

So, all in all. I'm happy. Sometimes life kind of sucks, but it all works out. In the end, my parents will always love me, my friends will forgive me for sometimes being stupid and will still be there when I need them, my Brothers will see me through the thick of it, and love will find me in the end (or stay with me and make me completely happy, as it is now). So there's a lot to be thankful for. And there's a lot at stake. So there's a lot of reasons for me to keep going, to keep making other people happy, to continue to be that friend, Brother, lover to someone else who needs it.

Thank you to all the people in my life, and all the amazing feelings you bring into it.

Always,

Lex

Seething

So, I'm trying my very best not to explode at this point.

I am pissed.

You know, it's one thing to say things that aren't true. Yes, that does aggravate the hell out of me and I hate it more than anything else. But something that makes me even more pissed? Someone questioning and ruining my integrity based off of a lie from a spiteful, deceitful, petty person. Sadly, it was someone that I trusted with a lot of my secrets. And now, because I called them out on their bullshit lying to my face and about me and because I ended a friendship with this person, they felt that it was okay to start spreading lies about me. Lies that have hurt a relationship with someone, despite our status with each other, I still care about. And lies that this person now believes to be complete truth. In addition, the lies were spread because, from what I can gather, this person was pissed that I was getting what she never could. Granted, things ended up not working out the way I thought, but I'm okay with that, because they way things are now is better than I could have ever imagined. But seriously? How does it work in your little head that telling someone outrageous lies about me to someone else who you KNOW would take serious offense to it would make you a better person. Would, redeem you in some way. Would raise you up above me in every way imaginable. Which I guess is exactly why you did it. You feel better about yourself knowing that he thinks of you highly and knowing that he will believe every word you say. You feel better about yourself knowing that it makes me feel guilty and angry all at once. You want me to confront you and I know it. You want me to find a reason to fight you. But I won't. I'll fight with my words, with a rant about how upset I am because of lies you've told to people I care about, and how those lies have hurt me. And you know why I think you do it? Because you're a pathetic person. And I don't believe you will ever be truly happy, because the only joy you get is bringing down others.

But hell, what do I know?

I apparently slept with half of campus and didn't know about it.

As always,

Lex

A Rant

So, I don't usually do this, because I get upset at the very same people who use their blogs to rant about how much their lives suck and how nothing is going right and poor pitiful me, etc. But I've reached the breaking point.

I've got 2 MAJOR tests tomorrow. Biochemistry and Organic Chemistry. Which are both ridiculously hard (for me, you snide son of a bitch that is saying "oh, those are NOTHING compared to ________ whatever class you want to fill in there. They are hard classes for me, and I have to work my ass off to get a grade that doesn't make me cringe. And I'm not talking about cringe like I did in high school at an A-. I mean really cringe, like failing cringe). But Biochem and OChem I can handle. They have specific formulas and mechanisms and things I can study for and apply if need-be.

But my personal life has decided to manifest itself in a particularly ugly form this week. And I can't do anything about it really, except rant and bottle it up, because confronting any of the problems requires time that I currently do not have. It just has to be like this until I can get my feet under me again, which might be sometime next week? Which, yes, I KNOW is not healthy, and yes I KNOW it will do nothing but make the problems worse in the long run. Yes, I've been there and done that. This is just a rerun of what I do every stinking time.

But I need to rant. I need to get it out. And if it pisses off the people who think it's referring to them, whatever. I don't have time right now. And instead of taking it as a personal attack, maybe just see it as the only way I can tell you these things without getting defensive, apologetic, etc. Whatever way you want to take it. And be careful if you think I'm directing this at you. I'm probably not. If you really want to know, ask.

Item 1: Person1

So, I'm getting a little tired of the same old same old. The same runaround. The same dodging of questions that have to do ANYTHING with what you actually want out of this. I'm tired of being pushed behind and hidden, just to be brought back into your realm whenever your lonely or you're feeling particularly caring at the time...aka drunk or lonely. I'm tired of it. I can't deal with this push and pull much longer. Decide what you want. If all I'm ever going to be is another nameless notch, so be it. But just fucking let me know what you want and stop stringing me along with exactly what I want to hear. I was fine with the way things were until you went and made things complicated. And now I believe you, and now I want things to actually work out. There. I said it. I'm tired of being the notch. I want to actually be something of value to you. And I want you to put some effort into it as well if I matter at all to you.

Item 2: Person2

Why the hell did you send that? Really? I thought we were done with this. There's a reason you're out of my life, and getting things like that, no matter how much you apologize, just piss me off more. Although, it actually just makes me laugh more than anything else. Not in a I'm laughing because I'm holier than thou but laughing because this WOULD happen. The one time I'm good about not trying to fix broken connections later on, the other person will. Freaking karma. I probably wont even respond, because if I do it just will give you cause to send another response. And neither of us really needs that. Let's move on please.

Item 3: Person3

Okay, you of all people I should feel like I can confront about something. But I can't right now. And by the time I have a minute to breathe let alone let you know I'm pissed it won't even matter anymore because it's old news. It's like punishing a dog for something he did yesterday. He's confused because he doesn't know why the hell you're yelling at him for something that didn't happen in the last 10 minutes. So here goes. I'm pissed that you say it's not your fault. I'm pissed that you haven't apologized, regardless of your state and whether or not you feel you had control. But whatever, that I can eventually forgive because we all do stupid shit. But what really did it for me was the second it was something important to you, it suddenly mattered. But when it was something really important to me and you agreed to help out, you went off and did your thing and basically left me stranded in a really awkward place. Not even a "hey, sorry I didn't do what you asked, I totally forgot/I'll pay better attention next time" Just a "well, since I have this very important thing, you need to make sure you do this (exactly what I had asked you to do)." It shouldn't be an issue, but it is. A simple apology would have made it all better. But instead you just say it wasn't your fault and it was totally someone else's fault. Way to pass the blame onto someone else. Last time I checked, you had willpower too.

I feel a little better to be honest. As sad as that may be. And sadly, too, is that these are just the tip of the iceberg. If I kept going I'd probably have pages upon pages. And no one want to read that. These are just the ones that are most prominent currently. Why do I hate confrontation? And why does my personal life decide to do this THIS week of all weeks...probably because I'm so used to fixing it as I go that I don't notice that things are really wrong. Such is my life/personality I suppose.

Always,

-Lex