Sometimes I Wonder..

So, I've been pondering something...yes, maybe I should have been pondering Organic Chemistry (Partttttt 2!) in these few moments, but even I need to take a break sometimes.

The thing I'm pondering, is this: what if we could take anything we've heard from someone else about us, anything someone else has written about us (whether or not we know it), and if it wasn't true, correct the statement, immediately. Would it make a difference? Similarly, if we could take any situation in which we never actually clarified what we were thinking/feeling, and we could go back and make it more clear, make our intentions known, would it actually change anything?

So these ponderings I'm having, they mostly have to do with some people that used to be a part of my life...I know for a fact that people lie. These people, in particular, I know have lied about me to other people who I cared/care about. And to me, that's simply not okay. But, and here's a big but, would it have really made a difference whether or not those things had been clarified?

I'd love to write in more specifics, because it would make so much more sense. I'm just afraid of naming names/situations/etc., and in turn hurting someone's feelings. Although, the people I would call out I would not necessarily care if I did hurt their feelings, but I do know that they have friends that I am friends with, and that it would probably create some unnecessary tension or awkwardness of some kind. And I'm not a fan of that.

So back to the hypotheticals...if you knew of a situation in which something was said, and it wasn't true, and you could correct it now, what kind of difference would it make? Would it make everything between you and the other person better? I kind of doubt it. I doubt that there is one situation in which something said completely changes your viewpoint of someone else. Whether it was a lie about your feelings about someone, or a lie about what occurred in a blurry time, that wasn't the first time the other person had considered feeling differently about you.

On a somewhat related note, I hate not knowing where I stand with people. It's completely confusing and not at all helpful to my mental state. However, clues I gain from a few sneaky-ish forms is sometimes entertaining, satisfying, or disheartening, however you want to look at it. Whether it's someone calling your relationship with them "dysfunctional and unhealthy" or someone else calling you a "cheating, two-timing slut", you have to wonder what led them to that conclusion...was it really your actions? Their interpretations of your actions? A spiteful ploy to make themselves feel better? Or a combination thereof, of the previous and other factors?

Take-home message from this jumble:

1) Don't spend too much time wondering what could have been if you could have set the facts straight about something. Chances are, in the long run, it wouldn't have mattered.

2) It's very hard to write about hypothetical/broad spectrum situations that are, in fact, very specific.

3) Get your facts straight before you tell someone something. You're not just juicing up a story or adding your own spin to something...you could possibly be damaging a lot more than you think.

Always,

Lex

The Importance of Bandaids

Two poems, the first after allowing my mind to do the things that eventually wound my heart, and the second after allowing a Bandaid to fix things. Sometimes, curiosity really does kill the cat, or, in this case, wound a heart for a while. But sometimes, you have to get past the things that keep you from diving in head first. They may seem like really important things or even really silly things, but in either case, allowing those things to stand in your way can only cause more problems. You have to get past it, in one way or another. Talking it out, sulking for a while (so long as you eventually get out of the sulking!), or writing. I chose writing this time. The more eloquent I made the first one, and the more I worked on it, the more I realized it was petty. But I still really liked the poem a lot. The second is my realization of how petty I was being, or something along those lines. I haven't written much poetry in a while, not where I paid attention to things like meter and rhyme scheme, but these are actually cleaned up a good bit.

Names Interchangeable, Words the Same

I should have thought it better than to delve

Beyond a front so innocent and clean,

But my mind would not allow me to shelve

Those lingering thoughts until now unseen.

I knew what it was that I would unearth,

Only hurt could be the final treasure,

But still I dug, looking for signs of worth,

I realize this pain may be your final pleasure.

The names were interchangeable,

Their importance not in the least,

But still each cut a gash in legs once so stable

Until the whole banquet crashed at my feet.

Repeated keystrokes, copied ink upon a page,

His strange tongues were his siren’s call.

The words, the phrases, they were all the same,

For reasons known and unknown, I believed them all.

You ask what’s wrong, hoping a smile to raise,

And still, though I try, I cannot help but wonder

How many times you pled to her the very phrase,

Or to her, or to her, or perhaps her.

Why look, if it brings so much pain?

To know ghosts of the past were real,

To see the words were used the same.

But to feel hurt is still something to feel.

************************************

Another Her, (But For Now), Only Me

I know you’ve said the very words

To her, to her, and, yes, to her as well,

But still I must convince myself, implore myself

To believe you mean it just as much as before.

I should not care, should just accept the score.

There were others before me, trophies on the shelf,

But that, for now at least, I can dispel

These troubling thoughts, those dreams deferred.

I swiftly thought, the fool I am,

Those words were for mine ears alone,

That never had you uttered them ‘fore me,

Never would you repeat their sound.

And still their sweetness sends my hopes abound,

That perhaps I misread, perhaps I did not see.

Yet still I readily cast the first stone

And without thought, your motives I condemn.

How dare I charge you with this crime,

How dare I cast you with the rest.

Though the best intentions often begin,

How often they must go awry.

Lips form a smile, eyes no longer cry.

I read your words, allow the sinking in,

And savor this thought, for it is the best:

I am still yours, and you have remained mine.

As always,

Lex

Who Died and Made You King of Anything?

From Sara Bareilles' single "King of Anything"

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

This song has so much truth to it. And lately, I've been obsessed with it. And by lately, I mean since last night when I realized I didn't have her new CD. After listening to this song all day (it's catchy, upbeat, and SO true to life that I can barely stand it) I realize I love it even more than before. And I want to share that with the rest of you:

If this fails fantastically, it's because when it comes to anything more complicated than a simple post, I'm lost. Hah.

But the reason I like this song, and the lines I picked out in particular earlier, is that it shows a much more realistic version of how some women are. We are not all damsels in distress. Not all of us need a prince charming to save us. Sometimes, we need it a little bit more, but for the most part, we don't all need saving. I would like to think that I belong to this group. I'm fiercely independent. I date people because I want to, not because I need a guy in my life. If things don't work out, for the most part I can move on pretty easily. Sometimes things work, and sometimes they probably should have never begun in the first place. Not saying that I'm completely heartless, but more realistic in my view of relationships. Or, I have started to become moreso as I've gotten older. At this point in my life, I'm not looking for forever. That will come eventually. I can't promise forever to anyone right now. There are too many things in my life that prohibit that: my post-grad plans, my career goals, things I want to do before settling down with anyone. In my first relationship, I was told something that I now use as my go-to answer: "I can't promise you I'll be yours forever, but I'll be yours for as long as we both make each other happy". I feel like this is a fair representation. But this has gone far enough into a tangent that should be saved for another post entirely.

Back to Ms. Bareilles and her smashing single. I love this song. It's powerful, it makes me walk with a little swing to my step, and it reminds me that I don't have to conform to what any guy tells me or fall for his charm...unless I want to of course ;)

As always,

Lex